June 25, 2013

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

It has been a year.

A long year; since I saw you last.

When we last looked into one another’s eye’s we were crying and separated by a table with guards who wanted nothing better than to remove me.

It was a horrid time

Nothing will ever make me forget that time; nothing

The look in your eyes

The pity

The horror

The terror

I am so sorry that you had to go through that

I am so sorry that I was taken away from you

I hate and despise myself for that.

I cannot remove this memory

I can only hope you remember, as do I the good times

The times we shared in places of interest

With people, with family and with friends

Nothing else matters, for we will always have these memories ingrained in our minds, our souls and our hearts

Today, my birthday, is a horrible reminder of something terrible that happened not to me, but to us.

An issue that I chose to make happen, foolishly believing that I had time to rectify the situation to make it better for us all.

I hurt you

I hurt mom

I’ve lost mom

She does not speak to me

I am sure she wants to forget me

I know that I am trying hard to make it right financially, but that is not a speedy resolution

I am trying however

I am more interested in you both

In you knowing what happened, in you remembering what was … not what is.

Don’t think for a second that I will ever stop loving you

That I ever stopped thinking of you

You are both everything to me

You are the reason I lived through the hell of jail

The reason that I lived through the hell of deportation

That awful plane ride to England, nothing ever comes close to knowing that you will not see your children again for a long, long time

I doubt that America will ever let me return home – I will never stop trying though

I miss you both

With all my heart

I love you both

With all my heart and all my soul

There is not one second of the day that I do not think of you

I regret that I was foolish enough to be compromised, but I never regret that I have two beautiful wonderful children.

You will always be my children, the loves of my life and that is what matters to me.  That is what matters the most to me.

I know that I as a daddy messed up, and that I might have cost myself the only two people in the world that I love; but I enjoyed the first years of your lives so much.

I will never forget

I will always remember what was once.

I love you

I want to see you

I miss you so much

I need a hug and I hope I get to have one soon

Daddy xxx