Dec 31, 2012

Hello Sebastian & Kaitlin

I hope that you are well.
Today is the last day of what has been a terrible year for us.
In 2013 we have to pray to be together again.

Nikki will have her baby in a few days.
That is cool.
I hope that the baby is ok.
It's a girl.
If I had not told you.

I think that she is going to be called Annie Rose.

I hope that in 2013 we'll have a good year again, and we will be allowed to hold one another and see one another.

That's all I want.
It's all I've ever wanted.

Love you
Daddy xxx

Dec 30, 2012

Hi S n K

Daddy is very tired today.
I drove a lot. But walked further.
The phone died today, I took too many pictures!

I hope that you are ok.
I am sad.
Missing you so much.
I really don't want to be here alone, I need you.
I want to see you and hold you.

I really really miss you.
I love you.

Love always
Daddy xxx

Dec 29, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Hi kids, how are you doing?
I took a drive today.
2 hours to get there, walked 2 hours when there, then 2 hours to drive back.
It was a nice place.
A castle made 2000 years ago (almost).

Why are you not imessaging me?
Are you bored with me?
Do you not want to talk for a while?

I miss you
I love you
Wish you were here with me

Love always
Daddy xxx

Dec 28, 2012

Hi S n K

Today I found sand and wrote you a sand message.
How i have missed the beach, and sand.
I wanted to take off my shoes, and socks, but it was just was cold.
I was scared that I would get sick.

I miss you both
I love you both

Nikki will have her baby on Wednesday (if not sooner).
I got her a box of chocolates.
It will be from all of us

I just ate a sandwich, first food of today!
I got hungry at around 3pm but there was no where to eat
Bummer

I miss you both
I love you both

Love always - Daddy xxx

December 27, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

How are you both?
Well, technically you are probably just waking up.
I didn't get up to much today.
Just a little grocery shopping and then I walked around a small village.
I found a Church that was built in 1201, it's 811 years old!
WoW
Can you imagine anything that old, still being ok?
I couldn't.
It was amazing.

I got a manicure today - it's the 2nd one in 4 months!
A man did it.
Didn't like it though, he did it like he did not care.
Shame.

The car is going well.
She's a little dirty on the inside.  But that is ok.
It's beige/white inside, silly color for the floor.
I think I'll change the mats to be black.  That way the dirt won't show quite as much.

I really miss you.
Lots of Love - Daddy xxx

Dec 26, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

I meant to write this earlier, but now it's getting late.
I miss you.

I went for a drive today, and got double parked, I had to fight my way out of the parking space!

The rain has been awful.
Wow.
Like maybe we will float away.
I hope you and Kaitlin are well.

I spoke to Brian and Nhu and B, B, Annie, Kevin yesterday at the hospital; and I saw Gong.
I hope he gets better.
How is Ma doing?

I love you.
I miss you.
I wish I had you to hold.

Your Daddy
xxx

Dec 25, 2012

Happy Christmas.
I did get to talk to you today.
That made my day/week
Thank God that we have found that FaceTime works between us.

I have missed you so much.
Grandma said I have to do what is right for you - so I never know if calling/texting you makes you sad, because I need and want to see you everyday.  But if you don't I will understand.

I ate too much today of Grandma's cooking.
When I got to the apartment that I am staying at I fell asleep.
Wow
Usually I am ok.
But I think it was the turkey.

Please tell Kaitlin I miss her too.
Love you
With all my heart.
xxx

Dec 24, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

How are you both?
Today (Christmas Eve) is a lousy day.#
I miss you.
Very much.

The weather is awful here.
Wow; so much rain and wind.
Gale force wind.

My ear infection is not really clearing up.

I will spend tomorrow (Christmas Day) with Grandma and Grandpa, along with Nikki and Uncle Mike and Oliver.  Hopefully Nikki will have her other baby soon.  She wants it out! 

Sitting at a friends house in Leatherhead, the wind is coming down the fireplace so hard!  Wow; it's making me jump.

This week I have Sky on TV.
I have super fast Internet.

But what I want for real is you.  Both of you.

I love you
Wish I could hold you.

Love
Daddy xxx

Dec 23, 2012

Hello S n K

How are you both?
Where are you today?
I texted with Brian, but you did not go to Nhu's house
They are going to work today as well.

Wow; as I typed this I got a text from you.
Yeah, made me feel happy!
Miss you mini-me
Really really miss you.

Today I went driving - just for the heck of it.
I almost drove through a huge puddle, but I was not sure of that!
I didn't want to ruin the car

You can see the pictures here:

http://gascoinetran.shutterfly.com/pictures/4038

Hope that you like them.
Love you and hope to talk to you on Tuesday (Christmas)
Daddy xxx

Dec 22, 2012

Hi Mini Me and Princess

Guess what, the world did not end!
Not really a surprise is it!
LOL
Anyway hope you are both well.
Thank you so much for the pictures.
You both look awesome.

I miss you both.
I love you both.

Do you miss me?

Today I should have gone to a festive thing with Vathani, but it was cancelled, too many people have the flu.  Shame. 

I ended up in the village, and ate a big lunch!
It was very nice.

Lots of Love always
Daddy xxx

Dec 21, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

How are you both, last day of school today?
I am not staying with grandma and granddad this weekend, I am staying at a friends house.
She is in Ireland.
I will house-sit for her.
I  might move here in the new year.  Not quite sure yet!
It's a nice apartment.

Parking is very tight though!

I miss you both and love you both.
I hope that you are ok.
I hope that mom is treating you well.

Love you
Daddy xxx

Dec 20, 2012

Hello Sebastian & Kaitlin

So wonderful that you got the presents - the blankets.
They were designed for you.
With my picture on them so as you could cuddle me when you went to sleep.
I hope you like them.

I will write you a letter soon.
I've been remise and just sent texts, emails and this blog.
I should also send letters properly.

I don't know what mom thinks or does anymore.
I don't question her.
I am paying off the credit card bills, that I run up.
Once they are paid off, I will start to put more money aside for you here.
That way you'll get the benefit of the exchange rate.

I am so sorry for what happened in April.
When they came for me, I did not expect they would send me to England.
Just a slap and some time in jail/detention and I'd be back with you.
I did not get the chance to say good-bye.
I so dearly wanted to tell you.
I never wanted to hurt the most precious persons in my life - you and K.
Mini-Me, I am sorry.  But please know that I was forced to leave you.
That I miss you so much.

When you saw me in jail, I was embarresed and scared.
I thought that you would hate me.
I thought that you would never want to see me again.
Thankfully you don't hate me.  You love me.
All i need is a text everynow and again to tell me that you miss me, that you love me.
That you want to be with me.

Without you both my life is shattered.
Ruined.
I dream of the moment that I will see you again at the airport.
I relish that time.
I need that time.
I will take whatever time I can off work; and spend it with you, morning noon and night.
I don't want to let you go again.  Not ever.

I bought a newer 4S iPhone so as I can FaceTime with you via Aunt Tina.  Brian did say that mom is using the one from the States, but she has not told me so I am not sure what her plans were/are with that phone.  Good for her if she is using it.
I would hate that it is just sitting around gathering dust.
When the iPhone 5 is cheaper I might get one of those.
But maybe not.  I'd rather send you an iPad if you want one.

I am so alone here.
I miss you and Kaitlin.
I miss the laughter that we shared.
I even miss the times we fought.
I wish that you were here.
Or that I there.

I hope that I get to hold you.
I hope that I get to see you again.

Mini-Me & Princess I hope you are ok.
I hope that you remember your daddy.

Love always
Daddy xxx

Dec 19, 2012

Hi S & K

How are you
Hope you are both well.
I am ok.
I had some bad news yesterday in so much that I will not be working at all next week.
Loss of money.  But that is life.
Hopefully come January I can make up the three days lost.
Who knows!

It is all good.
Can't change it.
Wish I could.

Wish you were here with me.
Really and truly.
Mini-Me I miss you so much.
I miss your smile, your laugh and the fact that we argued about homework.

Princess i miss your smile, your laugh and shopping with you.

I miss holding you both.
I wish I could be there.
I wish I could make things better for us.  Go back to 3 years ago.
Go back in time and know not to help Aunt Tara.

It's a lot harder than you think being without the two of you.
Not knowing if I will ever see you again, hold you, smile with you.

Gosh I just want you with me.
Love you both - Daddy xxx

Dec 18, 2012

Hi S n K

Hope you are both ok.
Hope K that you are 100% better now.
Other mummy and aunt Tina let me know that you went to hospital.
Mummy let me know know that you returned home and are better.

Today daddy has a migraine.
It sucks.
I get more and more of those each week now.
I think stress.
I think the fact that I miss you so much is getting to me.

When do you stop going to school?
Are you there all this week?

I really love you and miss you.
I really hope that I will hold you again soon.
It's been a very long time since I got to hold you and hug you.

I hope that you still love me and remember me
You looked good on Friday when I saw you via FaceTime.

I love you
Miss you.
Your Daddy xxx

Dec 17, 2012 - Kaitlin Sick

I heard today from Aunt Tina and Stephanie that K was sick.
That she went to the hospital.
S, please tell me via Text/Viber if something like that happens again.
I worry about you both.
I hate that I cannot be there to help you, to hold you.

I truly miss you both.
I wish I could hug you right now.

I wish I were there with you.

I love you.
I am hurt too.
I know that you both are.
I am sorry this happened, and that we are 5,664 miles apart.
I am so sad.
I am depressed.
Only the thought that you would be there eventually for me is keeping me going.

Love you
Daddy xxx

Dec 16, 2012

Hi S n K

Last night I went to the Christmas party for the office.  It was very nice.
The hotel was built in 1793, and was just amazing.  So beautiful.

http://gascoinetran.shutterfly.com/pictures/4005

That's the link to the pictures that I took.

It was amazing to talk to you the other day.  I have missed you both so much.
Seeing you both and Stephanie, Tammy & Benton (with Tina) was the highlight of the month, and my Christmas present.
Thank you.

I know that it is as hard for you as it is for me.  I just want you to know that I am always here with/for you.  I need you.

I really, really miss you.
It is a long time until I can hold you.  But I will hold you both again.  Please don't forget me.

Love you both so very much.
Daddy xxx

Dec 15, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

It's 4 months today since I arrived in England.
Last night we got to see and speak to one another.
That was awesome.
What a wonderful Christmas gift.

I hope that you both know that I love you very, very much.
That you are all that matters to me.

I miss you both so much.
I also miss Stephanie, Tammy & Benton.
Plus Aunt Tina and Uncle Ted.
Plus the B's.
I wish I could be there with you all again.
It is not going to happen for a long time.
More like 4 years 8 months.  Sorry guys,

Never forget that I love you.
Never forget that I miss you.
Never forget me.

Love always - Daddy xxx

Dec 14, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Today is grandma and grandpa's wedding anniversary.
They have been married forever.

Good for them
I'd hoped to remain married to mommy but she doesn't want daddy anymore.
It's ok, she's not to blame.
She's made the right choice.
I was a bad husband.
I am a bad father.  I didn't mean to leave you.  I had no choice, the Police took me.
Don't be scared of the Police though.  They will always protect you.

I hope when you are older I can explain this properly to you.
Right now, I can't.  Not so you'd understand fully.  I'm not being patronizing, I'm being honest.
I should have changed my status, and then none of this would have happened.
But I didn't and then the bad things that happened to me happened.  I can't take them back. I really wish I could.

Sebastian, not even for a second did I not love you.  Ever since you were born, you and I have been linked.  I feel so bad for not being there with you, for not making life easier for you.  I wish I could.

I want to punch myself.
I want to hurt myself.  To remedy the situation.  I can't though I have to be strong for you.

Love always - daddy xxx

Dec 13, 2012

Hi S n K

Hope you are sleeping well.
I am at the office.
I will take pictures one day and send to you.

Just want to do that when no one else is here.
This morning I got here too early and had to wait outside. 
Was very cold.
Maybe I'll get keys later.

I am walking to work as often as possible.
But the car is very tempting to bring.
Just only when it rains, that way I save gas.
Plus, I don't just start Lexus for a 5 minute drive.
That is not good for the engine.

My fingers hurt with the cold.
I think i will get frost-bite soon!
Hope not.
But it certainly is cold.

Miss you so much
Love you with all my heart
Your Daddy xxx

Passport Forms

I now have an appointment at the US Embassy in London on Jan 4th.
This will allow me to get the passport forms signed and sent to you.
Once that is done, I will also send the money for the application and then you can in the summer, if you want to and mom allows you visit me.

Dec 12, 12

Today is December 12, 2012
Or 12-12-12

Weird when that happens isn't it.

I forgot to give grandma the rent this month, thought that I had, but seems that I did not - they are mad at me now.  They should have told me that I'd forgotten to pay them, then I'd have given them a check.  I did not forget on purpose.

I figured that they would have asked earlier.
Guess not
But that also explains why dad was testy with me this week on certain other things.

I miss you guys
I love you guys

Love you always & I hope that you don't forget me.
Daddy xxx

Dec 11, 2012

S & K

I got your text and am happier.
Glad that you got the stuff for Cmas.
There is more on the way.

I hope that you are ok.
I hope that you miss me.

Stephanie is going to arrange that we can all get together over Christmas and talk via FaceTime or something else - Skype?

Other Mummy said that she would tell me the Skype address!  That is nice.
I really want to Skype with you.

Love you both
Miss you both
Daddy xxx

Dec 10, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Just wanted to tell you that I miss you and love you very much
I miss you so much too.

Today I drove the lexus for a while; meandering through the small villages and thought how much nicer it would be if you were there with me.

Sebastian, please send me a text.
I do talk to Aunt Tina so I know that you are ok.
I also talk to Aunt Linda and know that before she leaves she will come and see you.

Love you both
Miss you both.
Trying to get the Embassy appointment so as you can come and see me

Love
Daddy xxx

December 9, 2012

Hi

Another day almost done for me.
Another one starting for you.

I wish that we were starting and ending them at the same time!
Alas, that is just not the case.
Oh well. Soon I hope.

I also hope that yo are not forgetting me, and you still love me.
It would be so nice to get that from you in a text.

I hope kids that you don't hate me.
I don't know if I could manage that. 

Being here is strange, there are times when I just lie in the bed and cry.
Then there are times when I think wow; what a shame this or that happened, but at least we are all alive.

You will always be in my heart.
Love you both
With all my heart  - Daddy xxx

December 8th 2012

Good evening Sebastian & Kaitlin

I am at the mid-afternoon point of another day.
Missing you both.  Very much.
I just texted you.
No response
I'm not surprised.

I might go and have some french fries tonight.
I am not sure yet.
I left the car down the street, did not drive today.
Took the train.

I went to a German Market
It was ok.

Miss you both.
Love you both.

Daddy xxx

Dec 7, 2012

Good morning
I am writing this before I head off for work.
I have a meeting today in the countryside someplace.
No idea where it is!
LOL :)

Hopefully I will get there on time.
I miss you guys.
I love you guys.

Sebastian this morning on FB there was a little boy facing the window, with a caption that said maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon everything will be ok.  I think that is you and I.  Soon we will be together again.

I know that you've almost not seen me in 6 months.
I hate that fact
I hate the fact that I can't just hold you in my arms.
God it kills me.

I wish for only that.  I just want to hold you one more time.
Sebastian, please never forget me.
Never forget that for the first 7 1/2 years I was there with you, every single day.
It has killed me that I am not there with you now.

I want you to be here so much.
I want to hold you.
I miss you.
I love you.

Kaitlin it is the same for you.  I miss you Princess, I love you.
I know that you are having a hard time without me too.  I hope that the iPad makes that easier, but I wish you would load Skype on it for me to talk to you both.

Love - Daddy
xxx

Dec 6, 2012 - A Text Received

Hi Guys

So I received a text overnight!
Yeah.
Made me feel so awesome.
So happy.
To know that you think of me.

Tonight I have to go to the store and get some presents for mum and dad.
It will be fun.
In England the stores only open later on a Thursday evening.
Quite a strange place this.

The Lexus is driving well.
It was ice-covered this morning, which is nasty, but quite funny!  I could not open the door or the windows this morning! 

I managed to get the car heated up in a short while and just drive to the office, as i need the car tonight - I would of course love to drive a long way everyday.

Last night when I went home; I took off for a short drive.
I've missed driving.
I really miss having you and or Princess in the car with me.

Lots of Love
Daddy xxx
Please keep emailing me.  I love you so much.

Dec 5, 2012

Hi Guys

How are you both?
I'm at the office

It snowed today.
I got to drive in the snow.
It was cool.
Nervous but cool.

I am going from work tomorrow to a town, to get some presents for Grandma/Granddad.
Then on Friday I have lunch with Vathani, Saturday out with work colleagues, and then Sunday I will go for a drive.

Since I have the Lexus back now, I know that I will be ok.
I had dreamed that I would meet my aunt and have a beige car - but I thought that I would get a BMW, however, the Lexus is very nice, and low mileage.

I wish that you were here with me to go for a drive.
This Sunday I might go to Stonehenge.  It is the place that there is a pencil drawing of in the garage at 2280.

I hope that you will get your Christmas Presents soon.

Love you both
Daddy xxx

Dec 4, 2012

I woke up today thinking of you.
It is so hard for us.
I am so sorry that we are not together.
Next week I have an appointment to get the passport applications signed for you.
I will then send them to the house

I have sent your Christmas present.
There is another coming from Oregon, via Aunt Sherry.
She kindly made something for you and Princess.
I hope that you like it.

I love you.
I miss you.
I can't wait to hold you.

God, Sebastian, the thoughts that you are going to forget me are horrible.
I am not looking forward to the 1st Christmas without you.

How is Other Mummy?
Is she ok.

Love - Daddy xxx

Dec 3, 2012 - Car for Daddy

Today my little ones, I managed to get a car for myself.
Sames as in the USA.
A Lexus LS400.
Old, but nice.
It is a 1996.
89,000 miles on it. Beige with cream leather interior.
Heated seats front and back.

It is very nice to be in, just like our old black one.
No tinted windows yet, and no special wheels, but that's ok.
I won't do that - because I'm only keeping it a short while, I hope.

Maybe a year, two at most.  Then I will get the Hummer.

I hope you are both well.
I met with my aunts (your great-aunts) today and my cousins (your aunts).
They all asked after you.

Lots of love
Daddy xxx

Dec 2, 2012

Hi Guys

Last night Daddy went to a party.
It was fun.
I tried new things, like dancing with other people.
I really had a nice time.

It was my friends 40th party.  It is hard to think I have known Vathani for 20+ years!  Wow.
It was also her brothers party.

Missing you like crazy tonight.
Wish that you were here with me.

Wish so many things were different.

Love you with all my heart.
Daddy xxx

Other Mummy - Surgery

I didn't know other mummy had surgery on Friday.
I just sent her a text to say hope she is better.
I hope you got to see her too.

Love - Daddy xxx

Dec 1, 2012

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Daddy went to celebrate a friends party last night.
She was 40.
Vathani (who I have known more than 1/2 my life).
I actually went to a club and danced.
I had a good time.

I still missed you though.
Miss you both so much.

I walked home at midnight, oh my it was cold.
Still cold 7 hours later!

Love you both
Daddy xxx

November 30 - Coldest Day Yet

So today is the coldest day I've had yet.
Wow.
The temperature never went above 20
Ouch.

Tonight it will be around 10 degrees in your language.
Which is very cold!

I am ok in the cold.
I just don't care for the cold in the rain.
I went to look at a car today, but it was sold.
Oh well; there will be another.
I found a Hummer, but they are out of the price of the car that I can afford now.
I will get one in a year or two

I really miss you both.
I mailed your presents for Christmas today and it hurts that I won't see you there for Christmas, I don't even know if you will get any presents on  the day.  I hope so.  I hope that you will like what I have arranged for you.

I am having a blanket made, for you each, with my picture on it.
I love you two.
I miss you so much.
I never stop thinking about you both.
Love always - Daddy xxx

November 29, 2012

Hi Guys

Last night I went out with the people from the office.
We went to play virtual golf.
It was fun.

I am still not good at it.  Suck actually.  But that is life.
I did hit one shot with 140 yards, but that was the best.
Hazel who works with me did better.

I miss you both.
I love you both,
I wish you were here.
I can't wait to see you.

I am trying to get the passports sorted out.
I am trying to make a new life here and get a place for you to come and stay.
Without you my heart is broken.

I know that everything went wrong and I can only hope that it will get better soon.

Love you with all my heart
Daddy xxx

Hi - Happy Hump Day

Today is hump day.
Middle of the week.
Almost December.
It's very cold here.

When i look outside it is cold and grey and horrible.
I need a car.  But alas can't find one yet.
Soon I hope
I need you both more than I need a car.
I want you both to be here with me.
I am working to get the passports done for you.
Need to find a company who can notorize the paper.
It's not as easy as it could be in the USA.

Kids, I really miss you.
I can't wait to see you get off the plane here in London.
But I fear that is a long time from now.
I hope that you don't forget me.
I hope that you still love me.

Love you always and forever - Daddy xxx

No Text

How come no text yesterday?
Did you have a good day at school?

I hope so.
I am ok.

My ears bleed a little these days, but that should go away soon.
Dan's sister sent me Motrin, that is nice, I needed them, and hope that they will make the headaches go away!

It's raining bad here.
Worst they have had it in a long time.
Hopefully the rain will stop for me to get home -my feet are wet and cold. Gross.

Love you and miss you both
Always and forever.
Daddy xxx

1st Day after TG Break

So today is your first day back to school.
Weird how you did not text me.
So strange.

But so happy to get pictures of you from Brian.
So nice that Other Mummy doesn't stop you from taking pictures.
I am happy.

I miss you both so much.
I love you both so much.
Wish just for a second I can hold you again.
If I have to give up my life to tell you in person, face-to-face that I love and adore you I will.

It hurts so much that we are not together.

Love always - Daddy xxx

One Month to Christmas 2012

Hi Guys

Today was a good day.
You sent me some pictures with Other Mummy.
Thank you.
I hope that you are ok.
I miss you both.

I love you both,
Today I walked about 10 miles, in the wind, which makes it more like 15 miles.
I have a friend in the Philippines, I hope that you will like her.
She is very nice.  She is only 23 years old though!

She has a son called Vaughan.  He's adorable, although not as adorable as you.

In all the time I have been here in England, Mom has not asked how I am. Sad :(
She does not want to be with me anymore.  That is ok, Daddy was bad, and a terrible person to her, but never to you.

I love you both with all my heart and that will never change.
Daddy xxx

Nov 24, 2012

Hi Guys

Another day has passed and I have not heard from you.
Yet again.
Why?

Are you that mad at me, that you don't want to text?
Or is that mom won't let you?

Just like to know that you are ok.

I miss you.
I hope that you still miss me.

Love you always - Daddy xxx

Black Friday 2012

Hi S n K

How are you both
I hope you are ok.
Did you enjoy your day with mom yesterday?
I hope so.

I had to go get something for my dad today, and guess what to do 24 miles too 4 hours!
Wow!
Not far just that there was so much traffic.

Oh well. It is all good.
Then since I did that for them, they took me to get dinner tonight.
I had a burger.
It was good, but not great.

Love you both
Kaitlin are you better?
Miss you both.
Daddy xxx

Kaitlin Sick

Thanksgiving morning and brother just texted me to tell me that you are sick.
I'm sorry.
I wish I were there to make you feel better.
To hold you.
To love you.

I miss you so much.
Love always princess
Daddy xxx

Get better soon

Thanksgiving 2012

Good morning and happy Thanksgiving.
I hope that you get to eat lots of great food and have a great time.
I hope that you've had a great time with Other Mummy and your cousins the last few days.
I miss you so much.
Today is hard for me - I won't have the people who matter most to me for Thanksgiving.
You and Kaitlin

I miss you.
I love you.
I wish you were here with me
Can't wait to see you.

Can you install Skype on your iTouch, so we can see one another?

I ordered the information for your passports, I hope to get that stuff to you soon
Love you so much
Daddy

Thanksgiving Wednesday

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Well at least I found out that you are at Brian's.
I hate that I don't know where you are and that you don't text me sometimes.
Brian said you'd text me soon.

I hope that you are having a good time with Brian and the gang.
Stephanie, Tammy & Benton's there too right?
You staying there through Thanksgiving?
I hope you have a good time.

If you have to spend time with Mom though ok!
Don't be mean to her.
She is having a hard time also.
I'm sure that she wants you to be happy also.

Miss you and love you always
Daddy xxx

Thanksgiving Tuesday

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

How is the day going for you?
I hope you had a good day yesterday.
I hope you are behaving yourselves for mom, and whomever you are staying with during the vacation.

I miss you both,
I wish I were there with you.

Lots of Love always
Happy Holidays
Daddy xxx

Thanksgiving Monday

I managed to get to see a Church that was made in 1251; wow that is old.
It was so beautiful, you would have both loved it.

I also saw some American cars.
Miss them

Miss you too
It's so hard to go places and not have you with me.

Love you both
Daddy
xxx

Sunday

Hi

Today mom thinks that dad did not pay the tax for the car.
But I am sure that I did. If I did not then I do not know what I paid in January.
We will sort it all out.

Mom is mad at me.
But she is not mad at either of you.
We both love you very much, and need you in our lives.

Daddy was not a good husband and friend to mom, and she thinks that I just wanted to take money from her, which is not true at all.  Daddy tried to make money and in making money I spent some more than I should have.  But I did pay bills.

I will send you money soon.

I love you both.
I miss you both,
I wish we were all together.

It might be a long time until we get together again.
But there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you two.
Think that you should be in my arms.

I love you
Daddy xxx

Sat 11-17-12

Hi Guys

I went for a drive today.  About 70 miles from the house.
Place is called Dover, it is where the Ferries come from France, to bring people.
It is amazing in 20 years very little changed there.
Beautiful castle.

I hope today you are ok.
I hope that you are having fun with Brian and the crew!

Love you both very much
Daddy xxx

Friday Night 16-11-12

Hi Guys

Today is Friday.
I'm home.
Alone.

I'm missing you.
I love you.

Daddy
xxx

Nov 15

Good morning it is November 15, 2012

Wow; it is 90 days since i left America.
Well I did not leave, I was forced out.

But 90 days.
In that time, I have had to move twice.
From Nikki's to Grandma's
Oh well.

Grandma is nice about the house.
Granddad too. 

Granddad lets me use his car every now and again, but I need my own to be able to get in it and go someplace to just think about you and Kaitlin.

Today my friend in the Philippines has an issue with her son.  It makes me think how hard it will be for us if something happens to you or Kaitlin.  I hope that you will always know that I love you and need you and want you to be here with me, or wherever I am.

Love you
Daddy
xxx

Nov 14 -2012

Today I had a little thing with mom.
She said that unless I pay the credit cards I cannot see you.

I will pay the bills guys, you have to give me time, but I can't just come up with $12,000 plus whatever else she wants anytime soon.  The bills are being paid off as we speak.  A couple of hundred dollars a month.

I love you both, and never think that I do not want to be with you.
Love always
Daddy xxx

Tuesday Evening

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Thank you for the text as you went to school today.
That is awesome that you can send one every now and again.
Makes me feel more attached to you

I know this is all very hard.  I'm so sorry.
Not a second goes by that I don't think of you.
Not a second goes by that I don't wish I were there with you.

I love you both.
Nothing will ever change that.
Ever
You are my heart and soul, the reason that I get up in the morning.

You are the reason I exist.

Love always
Daddy
xxx

Tuesday Morning - Early

Good morning Sebastian & Kaitlin

As i get ready to go to work in the freezing cold, I wanted to say hello.
Tell you that I love you.
I miss you.

I hope you had a good day off school yesterday and that you are enjoying school.

Love always
Daddy xxx

Hi on Sunday (11/11/12)

Hi Sebastian

How are you?
How is Kaitlin?
Mom?

I got a text that said that you love me - thank you.
I miss you too buddy - with all my heart.

It's almost 90 days since I was here, it seems so much longer.
Wow.

Walked a great deal today, like 10 miles.
I'm tired now.
But keeping slim, and looking better than ever before.
There are many messages on your Viber.  I hope you see the pictures that I send.

Love you buddy
With all my heart, Kaitlin too xxx
Daddy

Nov 10 2012

Hi Guys

Just to tell you that I miss you and I love you.
I hope that you are well. 
I would love it if you texted me.

I miss you.
Today I went for a drive in Granddad's car (again) and went to see some of the countryside of England.

Hopefully soon I can have my own car.

I also went to Mercedes World and saw lots of nice Mercedes Benz's.

Love you both
Hope you got the candy I sent for you.

Daddy
xxx
 

Friday 11-9

Hi guys

I took grandma out shopping today.  She says hi.
They miss you too.

I took grandma to lunch too.
She liked it.

Did you get the candy that I sent?
I hope so.
I miss you Sebastian.

I hope that soon, someday you'll want to come here and be with me.
I need you.
I wish every minute of the day that you were here with me.

I love you.
I miss you.
Daddy
xxx

Hi

Hi S n K

I have been thinking about you a lot.
I miss you so much.
I love you with all my heart.

I helped someone today, they needed $20 so I gave it to them.
Felt nice to be able to do that.

I know I will be sending you guys money soon too.

I hurt today, my eyes and my legs.  It is too cold for me here.
But I am getting used to it.

I need a car.
I love you 
Daddy xxx

Hump Day Nov 7 2012

Hi Guys

Today is Hump Day
That means it's the middle of the week.
It means that the week is almost over.

The weeks go by slowly for me guys.
It's because you are not in them.
I have no one to take care of.
No one to care about.

You are there, and I am here.
I need you to be here.  I can't wait for that.

No matter what happens between mom and I, I always loved you guys with all my heart. I never did anything to hurt you.

Yes, I screwed something up big time with mom, but that is old people stuff.
Didn't mean to hurt you.

Going to jail was the most horrible thing that I ever experienced.
I can't tell you how awful that was or how awful the dreams are now.

I will do everything in my life to prevent you ever experiencing that.

I love you and Kaitlin.
You are  my world.
Love always - Daddy xxx

Tuesday Nov 6, 2012

Today guys it was cold.
Very cold.
There was ice on the windows of the car.
There was ice on the garden.

I took pictures for you.
I will upload them in a short while.

I sent the pictures to Aunt Tina.
She offered to buy me a car - baby I will get a car this month.
Just have to find the one that I want.

I was really really happy that you texted me last night.
8pm your time; 4am my time.
It meant the world to me to see your text.
Last night I also received the pictures from Fiona that mom sent her.
Mom never sent those to me.
Mom doesn't want to me to see you that much anymore.
It's ok.
Mom is mad at Daddy.
But  not at you.

Just remember, that even though I could not be there this year.  There will be more years that we will be together.  When you come to England, Daddy will get to celebrate a birthday with you both, whether or not it is your birthday - you can have two birthday's and two Christmas's.  That way you get one with me and one with Mom.

Never hate me.
I love you both very, very much.
You are my world.

Love always - Daddy xxx

Day Out

Today I went for a walk near where the house is, and took pictures for you.
Then I went to Wimbledon and took more pictures.
It is beautiful here.

I miss you both.
Everyday all the time.

Love you very much.
Always
Daddy xxx

Day in London and Fireworks

Hi Mini Me and Princess

How are you both?
I hope that you had a good time yesterday for your birthday.
I texted you today, but nothing back - I guess that;s usual for Saturday now.

I went into London today.
Would have loved to show you here.
But it is so cold.
Freezing - you can see your breath.

I love you both
Daddy xxx

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Mini-Me
I got to speak to you and that makes all the difference in the world.
I am so happy that I managed to get to speak to you today.

I spoke to Kaitlin too - and that is lovely.
Even if she did answer "what" to me.

Aunt Linda said that she might drive up there on the weekend.
That's great.
I hope that she does.

Aunt Tina told me that you might get a party at Nhu's house today after school; that is great, I am glad that they are keeping you happy.

I hope that soon we'll be together again.
Maybe in England, maybe elsewhere.
It's very cold here.

Love always - Daddy
xxx

Night before your birthday (S)

Hi Sebastian

It's almost your 8th birthday.
Wow.
It's been 9 months since I saw you.
It's a long time.
I really, really miss you.
I miss you so much that I want to cry.
This is so hard.

I know that mom is taking care of you, and that you are ok.  
Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

I love you so much
Tonight this is harder than ever to write.
Sebastian, mini-me, never forget that I was there every day for you for the first 7.3 years, and I want to be there again for you.

I can't imagine life without you.
I hate not being able to talk to you, to hold you.

I love you Sebastian.  With all my heart.
Daddy
xxxx

PS: I love Kaitlin too.

Oct 31, 2012

Good evening (my time).
Looks like yesterday I didn't do a blog post!
Sorry.
I watched the Top Gear special 50 years of Bond.
It was ok.
How are you?
I am missing you a lot today.

I remember a year ago walking around Aunt Tina's area getting candy with you all, wow; a year has passed already.  Amazing!  Wish i were there to do the same again tonight.  

I hope that you gets lots and lots and lots of candy.

I love you Sebastian, and Kaitlin.
With all my heart.  All of it. 

I miss you every second of every day
Daddy
xxx

PS: Without you I am very, very sad.
 

Oct 29

Good morning Mini Me and Princess K
I miss you.
I hope that you are both ok.
I wish that you would text me.

Did you have fun with Ma yesterday?
It was her birthday.

I hope so.
I love you guys, can't wait to see you soon.

Love always
Daddy xxx

Ma's Birthday

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Today is Ma's birthday.
Brian told me mom didn't make anything for Ma.
Sad :-(
Maybe she was just too busy.

Are you ok?
I hope so.

It is very cold here, like 20 degree's to your 80 degree's.  Almost snowing.
The snow is fun, but not if you live in it.

I miss you guys
Wish I could be at the party today.
That would be truly great.

Love you both.
Miss you both.
Big HUG
Big Smile
Daddy xxx

Saturday

Hi Kids

How are you today?
I didn't get a text from you - that's a shame.
I was hoping that I would have received one from you this morning (your morning).
I get an extra hours sleep tonight - which is very nice, because I sure could use it!
The clocks go back here.

I think I told you that I went for a drive today.
I miss taking you places.  It is not the same going without you.

I miss you both.
I love you both.

Daddy 
xxx

Moved

I moved again today.

April - to Vista Jail
April - from Vista Jail to Central
April - from Central to Facility 8
May - from Facility 8 to East Mesa
July - from East Mesa to CCA
August - from CCA to England
Oct - from 98 to 183
Next year from 183 to ...

7 times in one year.
6 were easier than the last.

I did get all my stuff moved in less than 1 hour.
It is very cold in Grandma' s house.
Oh well.  It is ok.  Daddy will survive.

I made a friend in the Philippines.
She has a son.  Her husband left her, she is young, we just talk on the internet.
I talk to her, because I don't have any "real" friends in London yet, and also because it is nice to feel needed by her.  She has things to say and wants to get those things said to someone and there no one to listen to her, so I will listen.  She will listen to me talk about you and Kaitlin too.

I love you both, with all my heart.
I hate the fact that I am away from you.

Love always - Daddy
xxx

Moving Soon

Tomorrow I get to move from Aunt Nikki's to Grandma's house.
It shouldn't take long to move

Nikki told me that I have used more internet this month than last.
Weird, I tried to be good.

How are you?
How is Kaitlin?
How is Mom?

I hope all are well.
Lots of love - I miss you.
Daddy xxx

One Line

I have gotten the one line "going to school bye-bye" texts from you these last two/three days.  It's good to get one line, i wish there were more.

Are you mad at me?
Do you feel that I left you?
Do you understand why I left?
I had no choice.
I was forced to leave.

I miss you
I love you
Daddy xxx

Renata

While I was at the CCA I met Steve.
He and Renata are getting married on Friday - she just called me to ask whether he's marrying her for a green card.
I don't think so.
I think the green card is a bonus.

Sebastian thank you for sending a picture of Kaitlin at school.
God it is wonderful to see her.

I need one of you next.
I miss you both.  

It's hard to think that I might not see you again for years, until you are old enough to leave mom and come see me; I wish and pray that I will see you again sooner than that.

I take care of Blue and Yellow.
I treat them like they are you.
If I could I would take them to work.

I love you
I miss you
Daddy xxx

Monday

Just 4 days left at my sisters house.
Weird to think I have to move again.
That's several moves this month:

1. From Oceanside House to Vista Detention
2. From Vista Detention to ICE
3. From ICE (SD) to Central SD
4. From Central (SD) to Facility 8 (East Mesa)
5. From Facility 8 (East Mesa) to East Mesa Proper
6. From East Mesa Proper to CCA
7. From CCA to My Sisters
8. From My Sisters to my Parent 

What a weird year.
2012 was certainly not my year.

Yesterday after the long walk around London, and the pictures I took I think I upset Fiona; she was on at me about getting help and being negative, and the fact that I tried to get a good life for you and Kaitlin and Mom.

She also told me that I was negative about London, while I love the city to visit, (the actual City) I was upset that yesterday I was fooled around and tossed aside.  But it is ok; I got 75 good shots of the city for you too see.

I don't mind the cold; it's the wet I hate.
It's wet today.

Today; I got a text from you.  You said that you were busy, and that is ok.  Shame, but it is how life goes.

I did get some candy for you, B's and the T's today.  I also mailed several postcards to all of you today as well.

Sebastian, I love you with all my heart, it kills me to be away from you.  Truly it does. I wish I could have you here with me.  Nothing else would matter then.  I want to see you grow up and be a man.  I need to see that.  I hope that you will let me, but I understand if you don't want to.

Love always 
Daddy
xxx

Central London via Victoria

Today I was to go meet a friend in Central London.  I took the train, which is the only real way to get into Central London.

Anyway, on the way there, they cancelled.
I went ahead.
I managed to get myself lost and confused as to where I was going.  Ha Ha!
Ended up getting wet and cold too!  

But I did get 75+ pictures.
Which I put on the picture site for you too look at.

I tried to call you earlier, but you were sleeping and now you are all out.
Sorry that I missed you.  I wish I were there with you.  To hold you, to show you things.  Alas I am not.
I will be one day, or you will be here with me.  One hopes.

I got some things from London for you.  Will mail them next week.
I love you with all my heart.  
Daddy xxx

Portsmouth

Today I went to Portsmouth by myself.
It is 72 miles from London.
It is on the coast.
I took 75 pictures for you.

I haven't heard from you today.
That is a shame.
I hope that you think about me as much as I think about you.
I cried in the car ealier, thinking how much I would like you to see the landscape.

I love you.
Daddy xxx

You texted me ...

Today is a good day, you texted me.
God I am so happy - it is so nice to see you words on the phone!

I miss you so much.
You are everything to me.  More than everything.
I want to talk to you, to see you.

Without you I am nothing.

I love you.
Daddy xxx

84% AR Test

Congratulations Sebastian, aunt Tina told me that you got 84% on your A/R test today, that's an A, maybe an A+.
Well done mini me.
I didn't get a text from you today, but I know that you were at the library, because AT told me and then mom confirmed you did well.

How are you?
How is Kaitlin?
I am ok.  Missing you lots and lots.
It hurts so much.
Love always - Daddy xxx

Wednesday - Hump Day

Today you texted me. 
It means so much.
God, it is the highlight of my day a single solitary line of words mean the world to me.
Thank you.

I also got approved for a business bank account today.  That is nice too.
I can start to bill people - like uncle John and get money back for helping him.
Who knows whether he will actually pay me or not, but he better.

I miss you both so much.
Every second of every day I think about you.

Do you look to the stars when you go to bed, - think of me?
Did you get the hand that I drew for you guys yet?

I love you
I will always be your daddy
Love - Daddy xxx

You're Birthday Gift

Today I received your text.  God it felt so good to hear from you.
I've missed that.
I'm glad that you got your birthday present and you like it.
That's awesome.

Aunt Tina sent me a picture of K and T today.
None of you yet, maybe tomorrow.

Do you still love me?
Do you think about me?

I love you so much.
Does mom ever talk about me?
Does she hate me?

Love you mini-me
I'm sick so going to close this one for tonight.
You and K are all that matter to me.  Nothing else in the world will ever be what you are to me.

Daddy

Finally a Text

Today I finally got a text back from America.
I was so happy.
That one line, makes all the difference
All the difference.

Thank you Sebastian.
I also sent a text back to Jenny to say thank you.
I was in the car at 315p-4p today and when I got no text back I nearly took it out on dad's car, I almost did triple digits, but saved myself at 90mph.

It cruises well at 80.
But then on the A217 coming back I could not get it into gear.
Weird.
Got harder and harder and harder.
Turns out the carpet was in the way.
Thank God, it was worrying.
Considerably worrying.

Fixed it.
Thank God.

I had a good day driving around, probably only did 150 miles, but still it was great.
I loved it.

I'm still sick, but not letting that get to me.
Good night Sebastian & Kaitlin.
I took lots of pictures for you - uploaded them to our site.
I hope that you will get to see them soon.

LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Sunday Oct 14, 2012

It's Sunday.
Where are the kids?
Don't know
Where is Jenny?
Don't know

No texts since Thursday, that's a long time to wait to hear from the kids for me.
A hell of a long time.

WHERE ARE YOU
I am so worried about them.

This is ridiculous.  Why is it so hard.
Perhaps mom is right, that they are happy and I should try to stay out of their lives.

God I miss them.
 

Saturday and no texts

Another day and no information comes to me.
I don't know where you are.  What you are doing or with whom you are doing it.
It worries me.

Now I do know that Brian has Kumon today, so I can assume that you are with Other Mummy and that you are at ABC or went to Santa Ana.

I miss you.
I need you.

I went to the ocean today, it was very nice.
I wish I can take you there soon.

Love you always and forever.
Daddy xxx

Another day this week and no texts

Yes, I spoke with both kids yesterday as they were being picked up from school.
Yes, that made me both happy and sad.
Yes, for the first time in almost 3 weeks I got to speak to Kaitlin.

WHY
Why the **** can't I get a text today.
One simple little text to say we're ok, that K is ok, what the hell?
There are days when I hate Jenny.  When she does this, just because she can.

It's not about her.
It's about them.  They are suffering because she's being a childish bitch.

I'm mad.
I have a right to be.
I think I do anyway.

On a + note, I'm babysitting for Oliver tonight.
That's great and I texted Tina.  Which is also great.

I love Sebastian & Kaitlin.
I sure did marry the wrong Asian.

K got sick

S texted me at 340p today (GMT) to tell me that K was sick again.  He sent a picture and she looked like hell.

Damn it hurts to not be there for her.
To not hold her hand
To not give her the medicine
Stroke her hair when she is taking it.
God I hate this.

I wish I could get on a plane and go back and make this better
It needs to be better
Much better.

It isn't about me and my needs, it's all about them and what they need.
They need me.

I want to hold her.
Of course nothing from Jenny, but that is ok, S texts me and gives me the heads up.
 

Missing them ...

Felt like writing a little earlier today.

It was another long night where I constantly dream of my children.
I saw a movie "Pregnant at 15" and hope to God that I don't hear of any of the kids getting that way.  Especially mine, of course.  

Sebastian i miss you so much it hurts me to breathe.
Kaitlin, I think that you are missing me too much and dealing with it by not talking to me; we need to speak.  I'll hope to call you on Friday morning to say hello.

Sherry (Oregon) called me last night to ask if I were ok about Dan's passing away.  It is nice that she even thought about me, let alone called me long distance (internationally).

Dan of course is much better off now; no more pain.
I know how he feels.

M

No Texts Today

No texts today from Sebastian.
Odd.
But the same thing happened last Tuesday.
Wish it were different.

It is what it is
I have texted Jenny to see if the kids are ok.
Alas no response.  Naturally.

I did get several texts from Jenny last night, all about money and how quickly she can get the credit cards paid off.  When I said it will take time; she said that she was scared and that it was a lot of interest to pay.  Nothing I can do about that.

American Express is paid off mind you.  It was showing a $0 balance last week.  That's good, but I have a feeling that they will try to get it shown again on the balance and start to be bitches about the money.  If not, great.  I'd like to be able to save $6,000 by them taking the balance and writing it off.

How to get Bank of America to do that is a mystery as well.  Not to mention Capital One, but both are within their limits now.  Capital One has even started to earn more points again.

Dan (Mary-Ann's ex) died last night.  Not unexpected, he'd been battling heart disease and dialysis for years, still very hard on the kids - Sami, Roni & Jason.

Last night also, I had a very long night.  Sick, mentally and almost physically, I was shaking which is not great, it is what it is.  Maybe I'll die soon, maybe God wants me. but I doubt it.

Got a Call

Sebastian called me today!
God it is so nice to hear his voice.

I for the first time since April (7 months) managed to get to go for a drive alone today, it was brilliant.  Shame it's a small car, stick shift but whatever, I'm not complaining, so I went to see Super-Cars to take pictures for Sebastian & Kaitlin.

The best part, while I was there, Sebastian called me and we could talk alone for 30 minutes (I walked back to the car).  It was thrilling to hear from him.  I miss him so much.

I miss Kaitlin too, but she was sleeping.
Damn - again.

I feel good tonight
First time in a long time.

Yeah.
Mum thinks it's ok to get a car too!  Which is brilliant because if not I am screwed.

Good To Text

It was good to be able to use Viber while walking down the street today, still only managed a couple of texts between Sebastian and I, but at least that is better than none.  Seems that he has gone off to do other things this morning now.

Good for him.
He sent me a picture of Lucky - the dog.  God I miss the dog.
Maybe I'll get a dog for myself when I have a place to live - maybe not.

Went for a drive in dad's car today as well; that was nice down to Gatwick and back, only a couple of times that he was looking scared!  LOL :)  At least now I've been out a couple of times, on the freeway and I'm fine driving on the wrong side of the road.

Like Nikki suggested perhaps not wanting me to drive is a way that they are keeping me closer to their home.  Not going to work; just makes me want to get on the road even more.

I also looked after Oliver today, reminds me so much of being with Sebastian, except of course that I would have taken Sebastian out in the mini-van at that age, or the Lexus perhaps.

God I love my children.
I love them so much that this hurts every waking minute for me.

 

 

Better Internet

Today (Oct 5th) I updated the phone, and have a 4S again, and now for £25 a month I get unlimited data on the phone.  So I can text (iMessage) as much as I want, more importantly I'll be able to FaceTime chat with the kids, and Viber chat with them as often as I / they want.

It feels good to be able to do that.

Real good.

I have a new number, a new contract and a new used phone.  I paid £300 for the phone, used from a "pawn broker" sort of place, instead of £700 for the iPhone 5 or £600 for the iPhone 4S at current brand new pricing.  Good deal, nothing more than a month to month rolling contract.

I would have signed for a 24 month contract, but I was denied the credit.  Oh well; no big deal.  

Wonder if the Barclays Bank details for the company will be ok.  Who knows?
It is of no consequence to everyday living for me.  If they decline me, they do, if they do that then I have the cash plus card and will go activate it and make it all good to go.

If they approve me. I'll cancel the cash plus card and pay the cancellation fee £10 rather than the annual £30.  Either way it is a lesson learned.

I have to pay £16 to activate sending mail via the company email - which is terrible, and I feel scammed, but there is little I can do about it.

Sebastian, I love you.
Kaitlin, I love you too.
Jenny I love you as well; although your comments lead me to believe that you do not feel the same way any longer.

Bye for now

Not Too Much Time Today

One of those weird things, today I had a 2p meeting and it went on until after 4p.  I kept thinking about the kids, and what they need, and how I would text them.

I really wasn't interested in the meeting.
In the end I took several texts during the meeting at 4p and then a couple more at a break.
It felt weird to think that I could not talk.

Sebastian understood, and asked me whether I was working, and I explained what I did and why I did it.

I was introduced by Eamonn earlier as the Contracts & Agreements Manager - sounds better than consultant.

I also got to speak to Tina (via text) again and that is as always lovely.

I really miss all the kids. I really miss Oceanside.
I hate it in England.
Everything is so expensive.

Sebastian I love you with all my heart.
Kaitlin I love you with all my heart too.

God I miss you guys.

A Day With No Texts

Yesterday was hard.  October 2nd and I received no texts from Sebastian, or Jenny.  I repeatedly asked for information and yet i was ignored.

I know that it is an effective way to torture me, by Jenny but honestly even for her attitude towards me now, that was way, way harsh.

Sebastian texted me this morning telling me that he was not allowed to do so yesterday but that he wanted to and he was so happy that he could today.

He was unable to text me, because he had to do reading and I assume that she thought that an adequate incentive to get him to read.  He only got 91% on his Language Arts class so certainly he's failing school and needs to have every second to read and do school work right?

I was nice and after the kids went to school I did send a nice text telling Jenny that I thought that this was crap and that she should not do that - but if she does in the future a text from her telling me that would be appreciated.

Of course, i erred and told Nikki (sister) and she's going to speak (via email) to Jenny now.  Whatever, I think that my relationship with Jenny is over so what.  I guess nothing will ever resurrect it and quite frankly I am not sure that I need/want to be with someone who is so cruel and vile. 

I certainly would not have done anything so bad as that to her.  But then again, I'd have forgiven her for cheating on me, or for lying, or for running up the bills (credit cards) or for anything.  I'd have done that for the kids.  Really and truly, no question in mind at all. Yet, now I am here in England alone, and have no hope of ever returning to the United States to be with my children.

I am giving serious thought to suing for full 100% custody of the children, and having her have to come here to get to see them  Then I could play the same silly games that she is, and make her anxious and upset and worried all the time about the safety of the kids.

But I wouldn't.
I couldn't be that cruel.

Wish I could be.
Hell I even think that I doubt I will ever have another woman in my life, and that I think that I will just live until the end alone.  I don't expect anymore to get to hold Sebastian or Kaitlin in my arms until they are teenagers.

I am already planning in my mind that I doubt America will allow me to return.  I might go to India.  Perhaps there is a need for a person like me to work and live in India, and see how that goes.  I would love to be there.  Maybe I can be.

Back to the children, they love me and I love them.  They also love their mother, and that is ok.  I don't like her anymore, she threw me away, when times got hard, and there was no need for that.  None at all. 

Now she wants a family and she can have that.  She's going to have to get a new man, and she's welcome to that too.  I will be alone, waiting for the day that the children walk back into my life and stay with me forever.

At least today I won't cry myself to sleep thinking the terrible thoughts that I had last night when I did not get to talk to them.