Oct 31, 2012

Good evening (my time).
Looks like yesterday I didn't do a blog post!
Sorry.
I watched the Top Gear special 50 years of Bond.
It was ok.
How are you?
I am missing you a lot today.

I remember a year ago walking around Aunt Tina's area getting candy with you all, wow; a year has passed already.  Amazing!  Wish i were there to do the same again tonight.  

I hope that you gets lots and lots and lots of candy.

I love you Sebastian, and Kaitlin.
With all my heart.  All of it. 

I miss you every second of every day
Daddy
xxx

PS: Without you I am very, very sad.
 

Oct 29

Good morning Mini Me and Princess K
I miss you.
I hope that you are both ok.
I wish that you would text me.

Did you have fun with Ma yesterday?
It was her birthday.

I hope so.
I love you guys, can't wait to see you soon.

Love always
Daddy xxx

Ma's Birthday

Hi Sebastian & Kaitlin

Today is Ma's birthday.
Brian told me mom didn't make anything for Ma.
Sad :-(
Maybe she was just too busy.

Are you ok?
I hope so.

It is very cold here, like 20 degree's to your 80 degree's.  Almost snowing.
The snow is fun, but not if you live in it.

I miss you guys
Wish I could be at the party today.
That would be truly great.

Love you both.
Miss you both.
Big HUG
Big Smile
Daddy xxx

Saturday

Hi Kids

How are you today?
I didn't get a text from you - that's a shame.
I was hoping that I would have received one from you this morning (your morning).
I get an extra hours sleep tonight - which is very nice, because I sure could use it!
The clocks go back here.

I think I told you that I went for a drive today.
I miss taking you places.  It is not the same going without you.

I miss you both.
I love you both.

Daddy 
xxx

Moved

I moved again today.

April - to Vista Jail
April - from Vista Jail to Central
April - from Central to Facility 8
May - from Facility 8 to East Mesa
July - from East Mesa to CCA
August - from CCA to England
Oct - from 98 to 183
Next year from 183 to ...

7 times in one year.
6 were easier than the last.

I did get all my stuff moved in less than 1 hour.
It is very cold in Grandma' s house.
Oh well.  It is ok.  Daddy will survive.

I made a friend in the Philippines.
She has a son.  Her husband left her, she is young, we just talk on the internet.
I talk to her, because I don't have any "real" friends in London yet, and also because it is nice to feel needed by her.  She has things to say and wants to get those things said to someone and there no one to listen to her, so I will listen.  She will listen to me talk about you and Kaitlin too.

I love you both, with all my heart.
I hate the fact that I am away from you.

Love always - Daddy
xxx

Moving Soon

Tomorrow I get to move from Aunt Nikki's to Grandma's house.
It shouldn't take long to move

Nikki told me that I have used more internet this month than last.
Weird, I tried to be good.

How are you?
How is Kaitlin?
How is Mom?

I hope all are well.
Lots of love - I miss you.
Daddy xxx

One Line

I have gotten the one line "going to school bye-bye" texts from you these last two/three days.  It's good to get one line, i wish there were more.

Are you mad at me?
Do you feel that I left you?
Do you understand why I left?
I had no choice.
I was forced to leave.

I miss you
I love you
Daddy xxx

Renata

While I was at the CCA I met Steve.
He and Renata are getting married on Friday - she just called me to ask whether he's marrying her for a green card.
I don't think so.
I think the green card is a bonus.

Sebastian thank you for sending a picture of Kaitlin at school.
God it is wonderful to see her.

I need one of you next.
I miss you both.  

It's hard to think that I might not see you again for years, until you are old enough to leave mom and come see me; I wish and pray that I will see you again sooner than that.

I take care of Blue and Yellow.
I treat them like they are you.
If I could I would take them to work.

I love you
I miss you
Daddy xxx

Monday

Just 4 days left at my sisters house.
Weird to think I have to move again.
That's several moves this month:

1. From Oceanside House to Vista Detention
2. From Vista Detention to ICE
3. From ICE (SD) to Central SD
4. From Central (SD) to Facility 8 (East Mesa)
5. From Facility 8 (East Mesa) to East Mesa Proper
6. From East Mesa Proper to CCA
7. From CCA to My Sisters
8. From My Sisters to my Parent 

What a weird year.
2012 was certainly not my year.

Yesterday after the long walk around London, and the pictures I took I think I upset Fiona; she was on at me about getting help and being negative, and the fact that I tried to get a good life for you and Kaitlin and Mom.

She also told me that I was negative about London, while I love the city to visit, (the actual City) I was upset that yesterday I was fooled around and tossed aside.  But it is ok; I got 75 good shots of the city for you too see.

I don't mind the cold; it's the wet I hate.
It's wet today.

Today; I got a text from you.  You said that you were busy, and that is ok.  Shame, but it is how life goes.

I did get some candy for you, B's and the T's today.  I also mailed several postcards to all of you today as well.

Sebastian, I love you with all my heart, it kills me to be away from you.  Truly it does. I wish I could have you here with me.  Nothing else would matter then.  I want to see you grow up and be a man.  I need to see that.  I hope that you will let me, but I understand if you don't want to.

Love always 
Daddy
xxx

Central London via Victoria

Today I was to go meet a friend in Central London.  I took the train, which is the only real way to get into Central London.

Anyway, on the way there, they cancelled.
I went ahead.
I managed to get myself lost and confused as to where I was going.  Ha Ha!
Ended up getting wet and cold too!  

But I did get 75+ pictures.
Which I put on the picture site for you too look at.

I tried to call you earlier, but you were sleeping and now you are all out.
Sorry that I missed you.  I wish I were there with you.  To hold you, to show you things.  Alas I am not.
I will be one day, or you will be here with me.  One hopes.

I got some things from London for you.  Will mail them next week.
I love you with all my heart.  
Daddy xxx

Portsmouth

Today I went to Portsmouth by myself.
It is 72 miles from London.
It is on the coast.
I took 75 pictures for you.

I haven't heard from you today.
That is a shame.
I hope that you think about me as much as I think about you.
I cried in the car ealier, thinking how much I would like you to see the landscape.

I love you.
Daddy xxx

You texted me ...

Today is a good day, you texted me.
God I am so happy - it is so nice to see you words on the phone!

I miss you so much.
You are everything to me.  More than everything.
I want to talk to you, to see you.

Without you I am nothing.

I love you.
Daddy xxx

84% AR Test

Congratulations Sebastian, aunt Tina told me that you got 84% on your A/R test today, that's an A, maybe an A+.
Well done mini me.
I didn't get a text from you today, but I know that you were at the library, because AT told me and then mom confirmed you did well.

How are you?
How is Kaitlin?
I am ok.  Missing you lots and lots.
It hurts so much.
Love always - Daddy xxx

Wednesday - Hump Day

Today you texted me. 
It means so much.
God, it is the highlight of my day a single solitary line of words mean the world to me.
Thank you.

I also got approved for a business bank account today.  That is nice too.
I can start to bill people - like uncle John and get money back for helping him.
Who knows whether he will actually pay me or not, but he better.

I miss you both so much.
Every second of every day I think about you.

Do you look to the stars when you go to bed, - think of me?
Did you get the hand that I drew for you guys yet?

I love you
I will always be your daddy
Love - Daddy xxx

You're Birthday Gift

Today I received your text.  God it felt so good to hear from you.
I've missed that.
I'm glad that you got your birthday present and you like it.
That's awesome.

Aunt Tina sent me a picture of K and T today.
None of you yet, maybe tomorrow.

Do you still love me?
Do you think about me?

I love you so much.
Does mom ever talk about me?
Does she hate me?

Love you mini-me
I'm sick so going to close this one for tonight.
You and K are all that matter to me.  Nothing else in the world will ever be what you are to me.

Daddy

Finally a Text

Today I finally got a text back from America.
I was so happy.
That one line, makes all the difference
All the difference.

Thank you Sebastian.
I also sent a text back to Jenny to say thank you.
I was in the car at 315p-4p today and when I got no text back I nearly took it out on dad's car, I almost did triple digits, but saved myself at 90mph.

It cruises well at 80.
But then on the A217 coming back I could not get it into gear.
Weird.
Got harder and harder and harder.
Turns out the carpet was in the way.
Thank God, it was worrying.
Considerably worrying.

Fixed it.
Thank God.

I had a good day driving around, probably only did 150 miles, but still it was great.
I loved it.

I'm still sick, but not letting that get to me.
Good night Sebastian & Kaitlin.
I took lots of pictures for you - uploaded them to our site.
I hope that you will get to see them soon.

LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Sunday Oct 14, 2012

It's Sunday.
Where are the kids?
Don't know
Where is Jenny?
Don't know

No texts since Thursday, that's a long time to wait to hear from the kids for me.
A hell of a long time.

WHERE ARE YOU
I am so worried about them.

This is ridiculous.  Why is it so hard.
Perhaps mom is right, that they are happy and I should try to stay out of their lives.

God I miss them.
 

Saturday and no texts

Another day and no information comes to me.
I don't know where you are.  What you are doing or with whom you are doing it.
It worries me.

Now I do know that Brian has Kumon today, so I can assume that you are with Other Mummy and that you are at ABC or went to Santa Ana.

I miss you.
I need you.

I went to the ocean today, it was very nice.
I wish I can take you there soon.

Love you always and forever.
Daddy xxx

Another day this week and no texts

Yes, I spoke with both kids yesterday as they were being picked up from school.
Yes, that made me both happy and sad.
Yes, for the first time in almost 3 weeks I got to speak to Kaitlin.

WHY
Why the **** can't I get a text today.
One simple little text to say we're ok, that K is ok, what the hell?
There are days when I hate Jenny.  When she does this, just because she can.

It's not about her.
It's about them.  They are suffering because she's being a childish bitch.

I'm mad.
I have a right to be.
I think I do anyway.

On a + note, I'm babysitting for Oliver tonight.
That's great and I texted Tina.  Which is also great.

I love Sebastian & Kaitlin.
I sure did marry the wrong Asian.

K got sick

S texted me at 340p today (GMT) to tell me that K was sick again.  He sent a picture and she looked like hell.

Damn it hurts to not be there for her.
To not hold her hand
To not give her the medicine
Stroke her hair when she is taking it.
God I hate this.

I wish I could get on a plane and go back and make this better
It needs to be better
Much better.

It isn't about me and my needs, it's all about them and what they need.
They need me.

I want to hold her.
Of course nothing from Jenny, but that is ok, S texts me and gives me the heads up.
 

Missing them ...

Felt like writing a little earlier today.

It was another long night where I constantly dream of my children.
I saw a movie "Pregnant at 15" and hope to God that I don't hear of any of the kids getting that way.  Especially mine, of course.  

Sebastian i miss you so much it hurts me to breathe.
Kaitlin, I think that you are missing me too much and dealing with it by not talking to me; we need to speak.  I'll hope to call you on Friday morning to say hello.

Sherry (Oregon) called me last night to ask if I were ok about Dan's passing away.  It is nice that she even thought about me, let alone called me long distance (internationally).

Dan of course is much better off now; no more pain.
I know how he feels.

M

No Texts Today

No texts today from Sebastian.
Odd.
But the same thing happened last Tuesday.
Wish it were different.

It is what it is
I have texted Jenny to see if the kids are ok.
Alas no response.  Naturally.

I did get several texts from Jenny last night, all about money and how quickly she can get the credit cards paid off.  When I said it will take time; she said that she was scared and that it was a lot of interest to pay.  Nothing I can do about that.

American Express is paid off mind you.  It was showing a $0 balance last week.  That's good, but I have a feeling that they will try to get it shown again on the balance and start to be bitches about the money.  If not, great.  I'd like to be able to save $6,000 by them taking the balance and writing it off.

How to get Bank of America to do that is a mystery as well.  Not to mention Capital One, but both are within their limits now.  Capital One has even started to earn more points again.

Dan (Mary-Ann's ex) died last night.  Not unexpected, he'd been battling heart disease and dialysis for years, still very hard on the kids - Sami, Roni & Jason.

Last night also, I had a very long night.  Sick, mentally and almost physically, I was shaking which is not great, it is what it is.  Maybe I'll die soon, maybe God wants me. but I doubt it.

Got a Call

Sebastian called me today!
God it is so nice to hear his voice.

I for the first time since April (7 months) managed to get to go for a drive alone today, it was brilliant.  Shame it's a small car, stick shift but whatever, I'm not complaining, so I went to see Super-Cars to take pictures for Sebastian & Kaitlin.

The best part, while I was there, Sebastian called me and we could talk alone for 30 minutes (I walked back to the car).  It was thrilling to hear from him.  I miss him so much.

I miss Kaitlin too, but she was sleeping.
Damn - again.

I feel good tonight
First time in a long time.

Yeah.
Mum thinks it's ok to get a car too!  Which is brilliant because if not I am screwed.

Good To Text

It was good to be able to use Viber while walking down the street today, still only managed a couple of texts between Sebastian and I, but at least that is better than none.  Seems that he has gone off to do other things this morning now.

Good for him.
He sent me a picture of Lucky - the dog.  God I miss the dog.
Maybe I'll get a dog for myself when I have a place to live - maybe not.

Went for a drive in dad's car today as well; that was nice down to Gatwick and back, only a couple of times that he was looking scared!  LOL :)  At least now I've been out a couple of times, on the freeway and I'm fine driving on the wrong side of the road.

Like Nikki suggested perhaps not wanting me to drive is a way that they are keeping me closer to their home.  Not going to work; just makes me want to get on the road even more.

I also looked after Oliver today, reminds me so much of being with Sebastian, except of course that I would have taken Sebastian out in the mini-van at that age, or the Lexus perhaps.

God I love my children.
I love them so much that this hurts every waking minute for me.

 

 

Better Internet

Today (Oct 5th) I updated the phone, and have a 4S again, and now for £25 a month I get unlimited data on the phone.  So I can text (iMessage) as much as I want, more importantly I'll be able to FaceTime chat with the kids, and Viber chat with them as often as I / they want.

It feels good to be able to do that.

Real good.

I have a new number, a new contract and a new used phone.  I paid £300 for the phone, used from a "pawn broker" sort of place, instead of £700 for the iPhone 5 or £600 for the iPhone 4S at current brand new pricing.  Good deal, nothing more than a month to month rolling contract.

I would have signed for a 24 month contract, but I was denied the credit.  Oh well; no big deal.  

Wonder if the Barclays Bank details for the company will be ok.  Who knows?
It is of no consequence to everyday living for me.  If they decline me, they do, if they do that then I have the cash plus card and will go activate it and make it all good to go.

If they approve me. I'll cancel the cash plus card and pay the cancellation fee £10 rather than the annual £30.  Either way it is a lesson learned.

I have to pay £16 to activate sending mail via the company email - which is terrible, and I feel scammed, but there is little I can do about it.

Sebastian, I love you.
Kaitlin, I love you too.
Jenny I love you as well; although your comments lead me to believe that you do not feel the same way any longer.

Bye for now

Not Too Much Time Today

One of those weird things, today I had a 2p meeting and it went on until after 4p.  I kept thinking about the kids, and what they need, and how I would text them.

I really wasn't interested in the meeting.
In the end I took several texts during the meeting at 4p and then a couple more at a break.
It felt weird to think that I could not talk.

Sebastian understood, and asked me whether I was working, and I explained what I did and why I did it.

I was introduced by Eamonn earlier as the Contracts & Agreements Manager - sounds better than consultant.

I also got to speak to Tina (via text) again and that is as always lovely.

I really miss all the kids. I really miss Oceanside.
I hate it in England.
Everything is so expensive.

Sebastian I love you with all my heart.
Kaitlin I love you with all my heart too.

God I miss you guys.

A Day With No Texts

Yesterday was hard.  October 2nd and I received no texts from Sebastian, or Jenny.  I repeatedly asked for information and yet i was ignored.

I know that it is an effective way to torture me, by Jenny but honestly even for her attitude towards me now, that was way, way harsh.

Sebastian texted me this morning telling me that he was not allowed to do so yesterday but that he wanted to and he was so happy that he could today.

He was unable to text me, because he had to do reading and I assume that she thought that an adequate incentive to get him to read.  He only got 91% on his Language Arts class so certainly he's failing school and needs to have every second to read and do school work right?

I was nice and after the kids went to school I did send a nice text telling Jenny that I thought that this was crap and that she should not do that - but if she does in the future a text from her telling me that would be appreciated.

Of course, i erred and told Nikki (sister) and she's going to speak (via email) to Jenny now.  Whatever, I think that my relationship with Jenny is over so what.  I guess nothing will ever resurrect it and quite frankly I am not sure that I need/want to be with someone who is so cruel and vile. 

I certainly would not have done anything so bad as that to her.  But then again, I'd have forgiven her for cheating on me, or for lying, or for running up the bills (credit cards) or for anything.  I'd have done that for the kids.  Really and truly, no question in mind at all. Yet, now I am here in England alone, and have no hope of ever returning to the United States to be with my children.

I am giving serious thought to suing for full 100% custody of the children, and having her have to come here to get to see them  Then I could play the same silly games that she is, and make her anxious and upset and worried all the time about the safety of the kids.

But I wouldn't.
I couldn't be that cruel.

Wish I could be.
Hell I even think that I doubt I will ever have another woman in my life, and that I think that I will just live until the end alone.  I don't expect anymore to get to hold Sebastian or Kaitlin in my arms until they are teenagers.

I am already planning in my mind that I doubt America will allow me to return.  I might go to India.  Perhaps there is a need for a person like me to work and live in India, and see how that goes.  I would love to be there.  Maybe I can be.

Back to the children, they love me and I love them.  They also love their mother, and that is ok.  I don't like her anymore, she threw me away, when times got hard, and there was no need for that.  None at all. 

Now she wants a family and she can have that.  She's going to have to get a new man, and she's welcome to that too.  I will be alone, waiting for the day that the children walk back into my life and stay with me forever.

At least today I won't cry myself to sleep thinking the terrible thoughts that I had last night when I did not get to talk to them.

the Who's

I don't really believe that anyone else will read this, maybe my kids; but in case; here's a list of the who's.

My Children
Sebastian
Kaitlin

Tina & Ted's Children
Stephanie
Tammy
Benton

Nhu & David's
Brian
Britney
Britanya

Phung & Wayne (ex)
Liann
Kenton

Ann 
Ethan 
Dereck

I miss all the kids 

Despair

There are days when I despair.  I text the kids at 7:15am every day when they have school; so as they have enough time to respond and get ready.  Yet, quite often after I have texted three or four times I still get nothing back from them.

They are only 6 & 7, but they know it's me.
Even my 14 year old nephew sometimes doesn't text me.
It's soul destroying.

Really and truly.
How do other parents cope with this?
Who do they turn to.

I feel alone.  No one to share anything with no one to tell how I feel.  My family here in the UK are a little dismissive saying I should call all the time; yet with no income for the expensive calls how does one do it?

What does one do?
It makes me a 41 year old man want to just turn around and cry.
Can't believe that I am "out of sight, out of mind".

The only person who always texts back is my sister in law - Tina.  Her husband is Jenny's (wife's) brother.  She and I get along very well.  I miss her and her kids too.  I miss all the kids, they were the best part of my life.

Oct 1, 2012

October 1 2012
Yesterday I tried to talk to Kaitlin, and was told that she hardly if ever asks to speak to me, or about me.  That was a sad piece of news.  It seems that she has tried to put me out of her mind.  Fortunately I will not give up and I will certainly continue to try to get to talk to her.  I will again today and all week and will try very hard on my days off.  

I even found a new message service that will not require a number and can be used internationally - she could get to talk to me via that - at least on texts.

Sebastian on the other hand wants to teleport here.  He misses me and he is not afraid to tell me.  That makes me feel better as I truly miss him as well.  

I am not ashamed to say that most evenings when I go to bed, holding their stuffed toys (blue and yellow) I shed a tear.  I miss the children very very much.  It is so disheartening when I can't talk to them.

There is nothing worse than this.

Oliver
Today Nikki let me stay home with Oliver.  Her 15 month (Oct 2012) son.  He was perfect and we played like I would have with Sebastian & Kaitlin at that time.  It was great two hours where I could enjoy time with a child.  

Now she's home and he's with her, and I'm sad that I don't have child to play with again, no one to take to the mall, no one to dress up, no one to show things to - the beach, the car, the car dealers etc.,  God what a nightmare.

All the things we used to do, it's over now.  There is nothing for us together anymore, I miss my son and my daughter so much.  I miss my wife, and want my family back, but I seriously doubt that will happen. At least not in the near future.