Oct 1, 2012

October 1 2012
Yesterday I tried to talk to Kaitlin, and was told that she hardly if ever asks to speak to me, or about me.  That was a sad piece of news.  It seems that she has tried to put me out of her mind.  Fortunately I will not give up and I will certainly continue to try to get to talk to her.  I will again today and all week and will try very hard on my days off.  

I even found a new message service that will not require a number and can be used internationally - she could get to talk to me via that - at least on texts.

Sebastian on the other hand wants to teleport here.  He misses me and he is not afraid to tell me.  That makes me feel better as I truly miss him as well.  

I am not ashamed to say that most evenings when I go to bed, holding their stuffed toys (blue and yellow) I shed a tear.  I miss the children very very much.  It is so disheartening when I can't talk to them.

There is nothing worse than this.

Oliver
Today Nikki let me stay home with Oliver.  Her 15 month (Oct 2012) son.  He was perfect and we played like I would have with Sebastian & Kaitlin at that time.  It was great two hours where I could enjoy time with a child.  

Now she's home and he's with her, and I'm sad that I don't have child to play with again, no one to take to the mall, no one to dress up, no one to show things to - the beach, the car, the car dealers etc.,  God what a nightmare.

All the things we used to do, it's over now.  There is nothing for us together anymore, I miss my son and my daughter so much.  I miss my wife, and want my family back, but I seriously doubt that will happen. At least not in the near future.